Absolute Idiocy Corrupts Absolutely

Apropos the previous post, I spent way too long yesterday trying to reason with such a reactionary ignoramus on Twitter. It was an utter waste of time, for the reasons I mentioned.

But!

Then I had a delightful Twitter argument with my kid, in which he was using reason and I was playing the part of a reactionary ignoramus.

It started when he wondered what he could eat. Like his father, he requires a heavy meat diet to stay on an emotional even keel, but we had no meat in the house.

Me: What about eggs, you could have eggs, we have eggs*

Him: Eggs aren't meat

Me: Of course eggs are meat. They're animal protein, that's meat

Him: My mom, who has a PhD: Eggs are meat

Me: My kid calls me out, ONE DAY AFTER MOTHER'S DAY

Him: YOU SAID EGGS WERE MEAT

Me: EGGS ARE MEAT

Him: THEY ARE NOT

Me: THEY HELLA ARE

Him: No they are not, vegetarians can eat eggs, vegans can't, that's one of the differences, eggs aren't meat!

Me: Vegetarians eat fish, are you telling me fish aren't meat? I mean, I know the Catholic church says so, but

R: (another twitter friend): Fish are animals, eggs aren't animals

Me: They're potential animals, like babies are potential toddlers. Are you going to tell me babies aren't meat?

R: ...oh my God, dr delagar

Me: Admit it! Babies are little meat dumplings!

R: Yes, babies are...no, I just can't

The Kid: Babies are creatures unto themselves while eggs are only potential creatures and milk is no creature at all

Me: They're just little creatures

Him: If you're going to reference peepee the term is creacher

Me: Milk makes muscles, muscles are meat, checkmate, creacher

Him: in which case, peanuts are meat?

Me: Don't be silly. Peanuts come from dirt, milk comes from people. If something COMES from something, it's obviously made of that something. So peanuts are dirt and milk is meat.

Him: (catching on) You have learned a lot from the whackos you argue with on twitter

Me: :D

Me: So do you want some eggs or not?

(Narrator: The kid ate eggs for dinner)


*This argument was conducted almost entirely over Twitter, even though we were literally about ten feet apart in the house, him in his room and me in the living room.