Help me, I'm still reading this terrible book.
Also, I still can't decide if it's a parody. I would say yes, except I've read some of the bizarre scenarios J.A. Johnstone gives us in the book on MAGA blogs. Also, the 5-Star the reviews of the book, over on Amazon, certainly seem to believe this is all real -- that this is what life is like on university campuses.
Here's a thought: J.A. knows none of what she's writing is even close to reality. But she also knows there are enough saps and dupes on the Far-Right that writing this silly book will get earn her a tidy sum.
This assumes J.A. is not a dupe, of course. Since she's fairly literate, I want to believe she can't also be an idiot. But I guess that's not necessarily so. Dennis Prager is literate, after all.
Oh, here's something I just noticed: there's no cussing in this book. Jake never says bullshit, he just says bull. He doesn't say asshole; he says jackwagon. And so on.
See, because beating people up, killing people, lying about people, that's fine. But cussing is wrong.
I'mma speed up a little, because wow is this book overwritten. J.A. isn't getting paid by the word, so I'm going to assume she just didn't revise at all.
In Chapter 11, Jake's granddaddy comes to his dorm room to stand at the door and explain how he made the lawsuits go away (by threatening people or buying them off). Then he leaves.
Why didn't he just call Jake? I don't think Jake has a phone. Because he's not a pajama boy, remember? Only liberals and snowflakes own phones.
In Chapter 12, Jake goes out on a date with Dr. Burke. They bond over Jake's dark past and their contempt for everyone around them, especially LGBTQ people. If he violates the Code of Conduct, Jake says, he'll be branded with the scarlet letters -- no, not A for Adultery! He means R, B, S, and H.
Dr. Burke is confused for a moment, but she catches on.
“Ah. Racist, bigot, sexist, homophobe. You left out C for cishet. You are cishet, aren’t you?”
“That’s what they used to call straight?”
“Then yeah, you can add the C in there.”
Yeah, no. That's not what cishet means. Not that J.A. or her
Oh, wait. I forgot the best part. Before Jake leaves to go on this date with Dr. Burke, he has to decide on which of the many weapons he keeps in his dorm room he will take along. He decides against one of his guns, and instead chooses a combat knife -- he keeps several of those in his room. As one does.
I know a veteran who keeps several guns and other weapons in his apartment, by the way. So this part is real. But it's not as charming as J.A. seems to think it is. When someone needs this much firepower to feel safe, it's not cute. It's a symptom of PTSD.
Also, bonus climate change denial in this chapter.
Jake and Dr. Burke spend another entire chapter whining about how terrible everyone around them is: "professionally outraged" "LGBT Activists" "snowflakes" "Safe spaces" "rainbows" "black people are the real bigots" -- okay, that last one isn't a direct quotation, but it's what the little story Burke tells about the Union of African-American Students won't let an actual African into their club means.
After they get done hating on everyone who doesn't think like they do (wait, I thought that was what those progressive snowflakes did?), they walk back to campus, stopping to make out on the way.
While they are deep in the clenches, the Bad Guys show up once again to attack Jake. Why? Well, that's just what Bad Guys do: beat up Patriotic American Heroes.
Or try to. Jake has no trouble beating up all six of them. Which we have to hear about. In detail.
Pages and pages of detail.
Meanwhile, Burke has run away (her shoes 'rataplanning' on the sidewalk) and called the campus police. They show up just as the Bad Guys are running away, and the Chief of Campus Police stops his underling from Tasing Jake.
After the Chief sends his underlings away, he warns Jake that if he's caught with a weapon on campus, or "messing around with a professor" he could get in big trouble.
Oh my God.
No. No, if Burke is caught "messing around" with a student, then Burke gets in trouble. The professor. Not the student.
HOLD ON. Jake is walking back to his dorm room, worrying about Burke, when the phone in his pocket buzzes. Burke is texting him. He does have a phone!
He's just never used it or looked at it or mentioned it before this moment. Yeah, J.A. didn't revise this even a little. I bet she didn't even re-read it.