I actually don't know if this is a trauma response, or if my depressing childhood counts as trauma, but anyway, the trauma response I really hate is when something goes wrong -- something minor, like a stopped up toilet, or when the tire low pressure light in the car comes on -- my internal alarm sensor just keeps screaming at me to PANIC PANIC PANIC because we are going to DIE NOW.
And even though I know the problem is minor -- the low pressure light is constantly coming on in the car and it means absolutely nothing, and even if this time it means something, we are perfectly able to afford getting a tire repaired these days -- even though I know all that, my internal alarm just keeps on wailing.
Is this organic? Is it just how I'm wired? Or is it because in my childhood sometimes very minor mistakes were met with screaming and over-the-top violence? Like for instance spilling your milk at the table -- that level of mistake. (Sometimes even major mistakes, on the other hand, were totally shrugged off. It was not an environment where the adults around me regulated their emotions well, I guess you could say.)
Anyway. I hate it. 0/10 do not recommend.
4 comments:
I know what you mean here, 100%. Not sure of the cause... but I know exactly what you mean.
I'm not sure of the cause either, but yeah, it sucks.
I''m convinced that it's both one's history and one's neurological wiring. My three adult children had the same upbringing -- they would say it was stable and more or less supportive, but not too good at reading their emotional needs. Yet, as adults, they respond very differently to small and large challenges. One shuts down, one goes dramatic but acts appropriately, and one denies. Not all the time, of course; each is able to respond sensibly some or much of the time. But if there's a less-than-good response to a situation, each one will be different (and predictable). A good friend who was raised by a horrifically abusive father copes well with everything; another who as far as I can tell had an idyllic childhood, melts down very easily.
That makes sense to me -- I'm much more likely to be swallowed up by anxiety and depression in any given circumstance than, say, my older brother was. (He tended to get passive-aggressive instead.) And we had essentially the same childhood, being only 14 months apart. Whereas my younger brother (18 months younger than me) tended toward depression and self-sabotaging.
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