Friday, July 20, 2012

That Never Happened.

At the beginning of Joanna Russ's book, The Female Man, she has a quotation which talks about the various ways men silence women.

One of the main ways is to discount their experience. To say, in effect, that never happened. Don't be silly. You're exaggerating. I don't remember it like that.

I have (almost entirely) stopped blogging about my family here, because, well, the flak I get afterwards from them IRL isn't worth it. But I find I'm compelled to blog on this one.

Over on FB, my brother -- the one I like best -- and I got into a wrangle about the Tosh incident.

I posted a link to another of Tosh's very funny rape jokes, this one with several boys sexually assaulting another boy, with a header that suggested I found it shocking anyone could find Tosh amusing when he was making this kind of joke.

My brother asserted, basically, that one bad joke didn't make a bad comedian.

I argued back (a) not one joke and (b) rape jokes were different from "bad" jokes.

It went downhill from there.

Now reasonable people can disagree, clearly. But here is why I can't let go of this argument.

I made the point, to him, that Tosh had used the "joke" of raping the woman in his audience to silence her. I argued that this is how rape gets used in our culture fairly often -- as a tool to silence and oppress women. I said that I -- like many women in America -- had been threatened with rape by random strangers as well as by guys I knew almost constantly from the time I was eleven years old; I said that he (he's six foot four and hefty) could have no idea what that was like.

He said, "I'm sorry you let fear rule your life."

He said, "Seriously, you've been threatened with rape since you were eleven? By whom?"

And when I got more specific (listing an example, one out of about ten thousand, of the very first guy whoever yelled out of a car window at me, when I was eleven years old, "Hey, cunt, want to get fucked?"), he said, "Really? When?"

Because, you know, that never happened. Don't be silly. You're exaggerating.

I am really incapable of communicating how angry I am at the moment.

Even though, you know, this is nothing new. How many times has this happened -- not just to me, of course: to any woman who tries to talk about this to men. To any person of color who tries to talk about racism to white people. To any LBGTQ who tries to talk about their experience to a straight person.

You know, because it didn't happen to him, he didn't get stalked by guys in malls, he didn't learn he had to watch his surroundings constantly, he didn't get chased by guys in trucks when he rode his bike, he didn't get get cornered in a bar by someone who was his classmate in graduate school -- supposedly his intellectual peer -- and have his tits grabbed, told he had to give it up or he was a frigid bitch -- these things didn't happen to him, so they didn't happen.

I'm exaggerating. We all are.

From the Everyday Sexism site:

...last Sunday the Olympic torch was in Trinity Great Court. Students, staff and fellows had to obtain tickets well in advance of the event to stand on the grass and soak in the atmosphere (maybe a bit of rain too), welcome the Olympics, and watch the Olympic torchbearer take one lap around it. I hear there is a reference to the Chariots of Fire in there somewhere. The nominated torchbearer was a girl of around 16, maybe 17 max. Cheerful, sweet, incredibly enthusiastic, with her entire family gathered to watch. As soon as she was handed the flame, a middle-aged man from the crowd (I presume still drunk from the night before) yelled at her at the top of his voice- "Get your tits out for the lads". My boyfriend and I were too stunned to react, and by the time we both checked with each other we weren't hallucinating, he had run off. He was within earshot of security, cameras and crowds of people. No one budged.


Challenged a (male) friend the other day for posting a cartoon of a buxom lady with the caption 'What's worse, me or a mosquito? Me, because a mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.' His friends rallied to his defence, including a woman (and several young women 'liked' this pic, on Facebook).


cycling home when white van drives slowly next to you while a man oggles & says ‘need a hand sweetheart’


Walking home at night is something I avoid now. After I was honked at multiple times, stopped by a stranger in a car, and chased down by a drunk who thought following me would be a good idea, I don't feel safe anymore. It's a sad world.




5 comments:

Bardiac said...

One of the most important things I've learned in anti-racism training is that yes, people have experiences, and that yes, I need to listen and hear them sometimes. It sounds like your brother needs to learn this, too.

I'm sorry.

End patriarchy.

Anonymous said...

Your brother's a dick.

Anonymous said...

One day, when I got out of my classes early, I headed over to the drug store where I always waited on my brother to pick me up. I was early, so I thought I'd sit on the bench outside of the drug store where I waited. It was across from the school…I was right out of high school. A car drove by and the man driving honked and I looked up, thinking it might be my brother, it was a yucky man who waved and smiled at me. He stopped at the stop light and kept looking over where I was and then he drove off only to come back by and pull into the parking lot. He kept waving at me and honking and trying to get me to engage. I closed my book and went into the drug store and looked at cards, hoping he would leave, but he didn't leave. He came in and found me in the store there looking at cards and he said, you wanna go for a ride. I said, no. He said, come on, I'll show you a good time. I said, no, leave me a lone. He kept on and I said no. The pharmacists watched but said nothing; the woman behind the counter said nothing. Finally, an old woman walked up and said, what's wrong with you fool. Cann't you see she don't wanna go with you. Why would she? Get on down the road. He left after calling me a dick tease. Yeah, I really looked like a dick tease in my below the knee nursing uniform with three quarter length sleeves, white hose, and white shoes. The old woman said, men are dogs. Come on, she said, let's go out there and sit on that bench. He gone. When my brother came, I told him the story and he got mad at me. Said, why would he do that? I felt like he was calling me a liar.
Also, for weeks, the security guard at the hospital where I did my clincals, sexually harrassed me to the point of trying to touch me. I told the supervisor, and many others but nothing was done. They said, don't go anywhere he can find you alone. One day, an older nurse said to me. Girl, you have to say mean things to him. Threaten to call his wife. Call him an old fuck. And, a few weeks later, I was in the lobby, hiding from him. I always got to clinicals two hours early because my brother had to be at work at five and my clinicals didn't start until 7. He kept saying gross things and I finally said, mother fucker. If you don't leave me the fuck a lone, I'm going to call your wife. What makes you think I would even consider giving you the time of day. You're an old fuck with a beer gut and stringy ass hair and you stink. He started out of the lobby and said, dyke. So, if a woman says no to men, she is either a dick tease or a dyke. Or is it dike?
Your brother is not much different from most. They don't understand because they have no reference. Plus, to admit that it happens, means they have to rethink how men act and how women are treated. REality bites.

Anonymous said...

One day, when I got out of my classes early, I headed over to the drug store where I always waited on my brother to pick me up. I was early, so I thought I'd sit on the bench outside of the drug store where I waited. It was across from the school…I was right out of high school. A car drove by and the man driving honked and I looked up, thinking it might be my brother, it was a yucky man who waved and smiled at me. He stopped at the stop light and kept looking over where I was and then he drove off only to come back by and pull into the parking lot. He kept waving at me and honking and trying to get me to engage. I closed my book and went into the drug store and looked at cards, hoping he would leave, but he didn't leave. He came in and found me in the store there looking at cards and he said, you wanna go for a ride. I said, no. He said, come on, I'll show you a good time. I said, no, leave me a lone. He kept on and I said no. The pharmacists watched but said nothing; the woman behind the counter said nothing. Finally, an old woman walked up and said, what's wrong with you fool. Cann't you see she don't wanna go with you. Why would she? Get on down the road. He left after calling me a dick tease. Yeah, I really looked like a dick tease in my below the knee nursing uniform with three quarter length sleeves, white hose, and white shoes. The old woman said, men are dogs. Come on, she said, let's go out there and sit on that bench. He gone. When my brother came, I told him the story and he got mad at me. Said, why would he do that? I felt like he was calling me a liar.
Also, for weeks, the security guard at the hospital where I did my clincals, sexually harrassed me to the point of trying to touch me. I told the supervisor, and many others but nothing was done. They said, don't go anywhere he can find you alone. One day, an older nurse said to me. Girl, you have to say mean things to him. Threaten to call his wife. Call him an old fuck. And, a few weeks later, I was in the lobby, hiding from him. I always got to clinicals two hours early because my brother had to be at work at five and my clinicals didn't start until 7. He kept saying gross things and I finally said, mother fucker. If you don't leave me the fuck a lone, I'm going to call your wife. What makes you think I would even consider giving you the time of day. You're an old fuck with a beer gut and stringy ass hair and you stink. He started out of the lobby and said, dyke. So, if a woman says no to men, she is either a dick tease or a dyke. Or is it dike?
Your brother is not much different from most. They don't understand because they have no reference. Plus, to admit that it happens, means they have to rethink how men act and how women are treated. REality bites.

Anonymous said...

I assume that when a man claims a woman is "crazy," it's code for he misbehaved, she caught him and confronted him, and probably dumped him for it. He wants to present the situation as her fault and not his by referencing her "insanity." It silences the woman in his past and blames her without (he imagines) reflecting badly on him.